A guy walks into a bar and buys a pint.
A bowl of peanuts at the bar start to tell him how good looking he is and how much they think he will get the ladies tonight.
Confused he walks over to the fruit machine to have a few games.
The fruit machine tells him it fucked his mother last nite and that she was shit.
Even more confused he walks back to the bar and asks the barman what the fuck is going on.
The barman says"well the nuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is just out of order"

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.
On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner.
The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.
After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man "What are you staring at?"
"Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot.
I was wondering if you were my son."